Bliss

As I type this, it's one o'clock in the afternoon on a Thursday and I'm still in my pyjamas. I'm sitting up in the squishiest of beds, under 2 down comforters, with my back leaning against three fluffy pillows. Outside, the Victorian winter blows one hell of a gale, with the trees managing not to romantically, softly blow in the wind but rather make a heck of a lot of defiant noise. I'm not sick or unwell or bored or stuck in the middle of nowhere against my will. I'm exactly where I need to be, in this exact moment, in perfect health and of sound mind (although some might debate that last bit.)

Thanks to the generosity of a friend, and the Universe lining all the cosmos up, I find myself on a 4 day long "Mummy Holiday" devoid of friends, family, obligation or guilt. The kids got packed off to camp, DH has work commitments, and I'm blessed with employees who understand that even the Boss Lady deserves a moment or two to herself.  I packed up some clothes, more books than I could possibly get through, some videos and some food and headed off to a beautiful beach house only metres from the Southern Victorian coastline. For the past two and a half days, I've done a whole lot of nothing. Actually, that's not entirely true. I've slept. Read. Eaten. Gone for a lot of very long cliff top walks. Watched surfers paddle out and ride in. Looked up at a very tall lighthouse. Took a long drive yesterday and wandered in and out of a few picturesque seaside towns. Watched a movie. Played a lot of Words with Friends. Thought a bit about some stuff (like work and friends and life) but only enough to smile about those things rather than be stressed by those things. Looking at that list, I've been a very busy girl.

Here's what I didn't do: I didn't look at my watch. Didn't worry about the calories I was eating. Didn't think too hard about anything in particular. I didn't feel guilty about doing what I wanted, when I wanted it. Didn't feel like I should, could, need, have to do anything AT ALL other than just...be.

For someone like me, who operates at what my friends call "very high revs" - embarking on this experience in the first place was a little scary. I've never been on holiday by myself, and certainly never had the days stretching out before me with no obligations. I mean, what if I got BORED or something? (For me, boredome often means self desctruction of the calorific kind.) So in my usual high achiever self, I made a list of what I would do while I was away. Brainstorm work ideas, work on my vision journal, blog on my various blogs (I have 3), email old friends, review some work documents I've been avoiding, take a walk of at least an hour every day, read an entire book a day, make my way through no less than 6 magazines, etc. Sounds a whole lot like WORK, doesn't it? And the point of all this time was just to NOT work for a while...! Believe me when I say I was rather nervous and worked up about this holiday of mine. The very idea of it thrilled me and freaked me out in equal measure. 4 days - with nobody but ME for company? And no specific plans? That's just...so far out of my comfort zone.

In truth, it took a good day and a bit for me to actually relax fully into the experience. It took a bit of time for my breathing to slow down, for the endless chatter in my head to tone down to a dull roar, for the euphoric realisation that I REALLY HAD NO OBLIGATIONS (to me, to anyone else, to my business) to sink in. I found myself thinking, "Ok, I'll go for a walk, then I'll shower, then dress, then make lunch, then do this then do that then do the other..." ad infinitum. Then I realised I in fact could choose to DO or NOT DO entirely on a whim. It took a bit for me to realise that, but once I did then the bliss set in.

So that's why it's taken until the middle of Day Three for me to be sitting up, in bed, blogging in my pyjamas while the trees outside threaten to blow right down. This is exactly where I want to be, exactly right now. It's been a very long time since I've felt as calm, relaxed, and totally free as I do right now. I found myself waking up in the middle of the night last night with a huge grin on my face...and for the life of me, I can't tell you why. I've smiled more in the past two and a half days than I probably have in the last six months and there wasn't even anyone here to see it!

All that worrying about what I was going to do and how I was going to do it and what happens if I get bored...really? I should have remembered my own advice to others, which is this:

Just. Show. Up.

In recent months, I've learned the showing up part is way more important than anything which might happen once you get there. Showing up is no guarantee of success, of peace, of not being bored - it's not guarantee of anything other than knowing that at the very least, you showed up. Things have a way of working themselves out as long as you make the effort to show up in the first place.

Now, if you'll excuse me - I showed up to blog because I wanted to share this experience - but just at the moment, I think it might be time for lunch. Or not. Who knows? I'll show up in the kitchen and see what happens.

Bliss.