I'm trying to keep my business, my triplets, and my waistline under control. I excel at one of those, fail at another one of those, and one is a work in progress. Which is which is day dependant.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Shake, Rustle & Roll

Sidenote: I'm sorry I disappeared! OMG! I didn't blog for almost a month and I didn't realise it was that long. Thanks for asking after me. My absence was due to two things: 1) I kinda ran out of witty things to say and 2) my Mom complained about this post, which made me want to give up this blogging business. I have neither the time nor the patience to defend my blogging. If she had read it, she would realise that it acutally says that I think she's right. ANYWAYS, back to your regularly scheduled blogging.

Part of what makes me special (and we all know, I'm special, right?) is that I have a ridiculous ability to make myself laugh. I'm so self-centered and shallow that I think I am one of the funniest people I've ever met. As a result, I'll often tell a joke, and then (even if nobody else is) I'll laugh my ass off. Nowhere is this more true than late at night, when I'm in bed. I lay there, in the darkness, coming up with progressively more stupid jokes - usually ones based on rhymes. I then start laughing like a demented hyena and nudge DH to tell him my jokes. Sometimes he laughs, but more often he just mumbles a "ha ha. yeah. now GO TO SLEEP." Thing is, this horrible joke telling can go on for HOURS. *Just* when DH thinks I'm asleep (and therefore going to leave him the hell alone), I burst out laughing and demanding, "Wait! Wait! Don't go to sleep! This one's HILARIOUS!"

Poor DH - he didn't know that when we married that he was signing on for hours of mindless chatter which starts at the *exact* moment his eyes are closing towards beautific slumber. Of late I've been obsessed with 'man with no arms and legs' jokes. These are certainly not new, and not original - they come back from my 1980's childhood, along with the whole series of 'what's grosser than gross?" jokes. For those unfamiliar with the man with no arms and legs jokes, they're basically word play riddles based on male names, such as:

Q: What do you call a man with no arms and legs, hanging off a mountain?
A: Cliff

Q: What do you call a man with no arms and legs, at your front door?
A: Matt

I don't know what the lack of appendages has to do with it, but I DO know that these jokes, told in the dark of winter in the wee hours of the morning, are seriously funny. To me, anyway. To DH, not so much. Until recently my favourite was this:

Q: What do you call a man with no arms and legs, in the ocean?
A: Bob

(Okay, I just typed that and then started laughing. Again. Even I think I should have gotten over that one by now.)

That was my all time favourite one, until I read this one in the newspaper:

Q: What do you call a man with no arms and legs, in a pile of leaves?
A: Russell (get it? rustle?!)

I have been laughing about that stupid joke for about two weeks now. Driving along, thinking about work and cupcakes and whatever, and I'll suddenly think, "Russell. Rustle!" and I'll start laughing so hard I think I'm going to puke.

Yes, my life is that sad.

Today I had yet another opportunity to make myself laugh, and I've got a sneaking suspicion this one might have to replace ol' Russell in my tiny little brain.

It started innocently enough. I got an email from my Mom:

Subject: Earthquake

Hello to all interested parties;

Yes we had a big one. I was at McDonalds buying [Dad] a coffee (Yes Michelly a coffee but a cold one). We thought that a truck hit the building it was not. It was so strong that I started shaking and it took me about an hour to calm down. As far as we know there are no big damages that we know of but maybe it is too early. Anyhow we are all fine.

This is a funny email for several reasons: 1) My Dad claims only sick people drink coffee, 2) I didn't know Jews got coffee at Mickey D's, 3) I had no idea there was an earthquake in California at all, this email was the first I heard of it and 4) Of course you're fine, otherwise how else are you emailing me?

....and thus, dear readers, begins my fall into idiocy.

...because my Dad's coffee was shaken, not stirred....
...because my Dad's coffee was earth-blended as opposed to ice blended....
...because McD's conserves energy by using teutonic plates to make milk *shakes*....
...because if you're going to die in an earthquake in Los Angeles, you might as well do it with falling nuggets than falling boulders...

You can see where this is leading. I got that email at 9am this morning. It's now just past noon, and I *still* have a head full of "earthquakes in McDonald's" jokes running through my head. Please, spare a thought for DH, who has to listen to me tonight:

Q: What do you call a man with no arms and legs in an earthquake at McDonald's....?


Laura said...

I have to tell you, I do the same thing to my husband as he is trying to nod off. Suddenly every punch line on tv is laugh out loud funny, it can not be helped.

Here is one that had me laughing for days when I was in high school..

Did you hear about the man who laughed his head off?

Ha ha ha ha, ..thump.

LOL. Now off I go as I try to think of a mans name to fit in the punchline of your earthquake joke.

Anonymous said...

> Now off I go as I try to think of a mans name to fit in the punchline of your earthquake joke.

Nugget, of course!

emzeegee & the hungry three said...


I love it! That's a GREAT one. I'm going to have to add that to my arsenal of late night jokes. :)

...and DH, while I know you CLAIM that there are two people in the world whose name is Nugget, the joke only works if it sounds like a real name!!!

What do you call a man with no arms and legs, with a taget painted on his back?
....MARK!! :)