I'm trying to keep my business, my triplets, and my waistline under control. I excel at one of those, fail at another one of those, and one is a work in progress. Which is which is day dependant.

Friday, January 18, 2008

The Whole Bathing Suit Thing

For the past two weeks, we've been on a beach vacation. Beach as in water. As in swimming. As in, putting on a bathing suit almost every day. I make no secret of the fact that I am fat. Very fat. In fact, comments about "beached whale" and the like would not be out of place (and appropriate, given where we are at the moment.) These past few weeks I've been doing a fair amount of people watching, both in and out of the water. I've also had various conversations with visiting friends about The Whole Bathing Suit Thing.

TWBST is all about women having, shall we say, issues with wearing a bathing suit. Issues which have many different excuses attached: Shows too much. Shows too little. Makes my thighs look big. Requires me to get a bikini wax. Shows off my fat arms. Makes my legs look short. Shows that I have a belly. Highlights my lack of boobs. Whatever the excuse is, it seems the women I know have a serious aversion to wearing bathing suits, particularly in public. The solution, it seems, is trying to cover up all the parts of your body which are your main excuse for not wearing a bathing suit in the first place.

There's the bikini top and board shorts look, the bathing suit and oversized t-shirt on top look, the board shorts and t-shirt look, the wearing everything I own and just not getting in the water idea, the bathing suit with a skirtie thing and then a sarong on top too look, the bathing suit *and* t-shirt *and* shorts look....the look-anywhere-but-here look. Ummm, yeah. Ladies, here's a heads up. When the t-shirt/board shorts/sarong/whatever gets WET, you look even WORSE than you might if you just put on a one-piece. Honestly. Girl to girl, I'm telling you, it looks WAY worse and highlights WAY more sins than your average one piece. This advice comes to you from a gal with a big ol' ass, thunder thighs, jiggly arms, some serious boobage, and low self-esteem about her body in general. I go to the beach or pool almost every day in the summer. I wear a bathing suit, and I don't give a rat's ass who can see. It's truly liberating.

When the t-shirt sticks, it sticks TO your fat rolls. The board shorts never did any woman (thin or otherwise) any favours. The sarong...ummm...yeah. Only suitable to be worn on a Pacific Island smaller than a breadbox. The whole "not going to swim, I'll just be a martyr and sit here on the beach while the rest of you frolic and have fun".... you I have no solution for, other than perhaps some therapy.

I understand that women have body issues - hell, I AM a walking, talking, breathing body issue. At the same time, there is something so glorious, so utterly wonderful, so totally...freeing about being in the water. For those few minutes, you are....gossamer-thin, floaty...weightless. Unless, of course, you're being dragged down to the bottom by the weight of your (wet, unattractive) t-shirt. Swimming, floating, walking, running - whatever you're doing, while you're in that water you're no longer a contender for Miss Thunder Thighs 2008. You are gorgeous. Beautiful. Utterly stunning. Your hair (thick, perfect) floats around your head like a crown, suitable to the water nymph you have become. There truly is no better feeling.

So, ladies, I say be gone with all that extraneous clothing. Fact is, if you're fat, no amount of EXTRA clothes is going to help. I'll let you in on a secret: people already know you're fat. If you're thin and you just have issues (whatever they may be)...then I say, get to the beach, take off all those layers of clothing (behind a towel if you must), close your eyes so you can't see the other people, and run full pelt into the water. It's a well known fact that if you can't see them, they can't see you.

Trust me. It's a simple fact of life that even skinny bitches look bad when wearing board shorts and a (free, promotional) t-shirt.

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Week Two: 205 minutes (min required: 140)

1 comment:

the baker's wife said...

Who the hell is Megan P. Jones?

Happy last days of holidays.