Sunshine

My default mood setting is programmed to 'happy' and I find it quite uncomfortable to be grumpy for any extended period of time. The past six or so weeks, my happy-o-meter has been sorely tested. I'm very grumpy. Not in the "look at you, you've got a face like thunder," sort of grumpy, but in the, "please don't talk to me while I am under my doona, hibernating in my bed." sort of way - except that I never actually want to get out from under my doona in the first place.  When I DO venture out into the real world, I'm okay - going to the gym, going to work, feeding my family and in general being the very capable woman everyone has grown to love. I'm going about my day, capably doing all sorts of things, it's just that while I'm DOING all of those things, my head is under my doona, and I'm finding it a little hard to breathe under there. 

In no particular order, things which have made me grumpy these past few weeks:

- Business. Hard to believe but the cake business is seasonal (even for birthdays, people just don't have events as often in winter, which sucks for you winter babies out there), and while I know that, I failed to plan for it adequately. This which left me feeling annoyed and irritated and a little bit, "please would the damn sun shine on this business SOON," even though I know everything will be fine and winter eventually ends. However, when business is quieter or less chaotic than normal, this leaves me with 'free' time in which to dwell on both it and other things which are irritating me.

- Weather. It's been a very hard winter here in Melbourne, far colder than I've ever experienced here. Reminds me a lot of the winters I spent in Denver, actually, where its so cold it hurts your chest just to breathe in, and you're wearing so many layers you are a distant relation to the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man. I'm generally cold anyway, so to feel like my bones have ice water in them makes me...well, a little less than friendly. I just wanted ask the sky, "Please would the damn sun shine on this fair city of ours SOON?"

- Family. My Mom is not doing too well at the moment, a situation which has been going on for a number of months. I'm saddened by it, frustrated by it, and I really just want her to start on the road to getting a bit better. Please, would the damn sun shine on my Mom soon? because I'm not really sure how much more of it she, and our family as a whole, can take.

- Friends. I've got some friends going through some pretty tough life moments (I've blogged about this before). I can't help it, I'm a bleeding heart - and so I feel sad for them, and I have no idea how to help.While their situations are all about them and not at all about me, I feel it. I can't help it. I want the sun to shine on my friends as well.

- Money. OMG, don't get me started, but suffice to say if the sun shone on my money tree right about now, I'd be feeling a little calmer.

The above things plus some other random bits (hello, winter kilos, how I hate thee) have conspired to make emzee a very grumpy girl. Not that most people can tell, but *I* can tell and it had started to really annoy me. Because, you know, not bad enough I'm in a shit mood but berating myself ABOUT being in a shit mood is a good idea, right?

I decided that it was in fact the lack of sunshine - both literal AND figurative - which was, while not causing the situation, not exactly helpful to the situation. So I went about finding myself some sunshine. I started to walk to work most days of the week (not difficult. It's a 6 minute walk.)  Those few minutes in the morning and few in the afternoon are giving me sunshine in the literal sense (although that would be arctic sunshine, it's still Vitamin D) and sunshine in the figurative sense in so far as I just like to be out and about, and those few minutes are mine to think about ..well, nothing at all. For 12 minutes every day, my mind is quiet. Well, quiet-ER.

I forced myself out of the house even when I didn't want to go. I had some adventures with the kids. I had dinner out with my DH, movies with a friend - etc. NONE of which I wanted to do, ALL of which I needed to do. I signed up for a course I've been meaning to do for a while. I finally worked out the secret combination of shirts/jumpers/socks which keep me, while not warm, certainly not feeling like the Ice Queen. I rediscovered the joy which is an enormous mug of milky tea. I watched entire seasons of Glee with my DH, both of us grinning like idiots at the screen and then at each other (it's very very difficult to be grumpy while you are perving on either Britney S. Pierce or Puckerman.)

Basically I treated my horrid mood like a project which needed managing, and this week I've finally felt like the sun is shining once again. Not much has changed with the things which are upsetting me. I just realised (again) that when you can do nothing about the situation, then you've got to something about how you DEAL with the situation. My horrible mood is because I was powerless over those situations - but I'm certainly not powerless over ME, am I?  I'm not going to lie, I didn't  mind the hibernation all that much. I think I needed it on some level (and frankly, it's WARM in my bed and warmth=happiness for me.) However now that I've come out of the cave and into the sunshine, I'm far less grumpy and far happier within myself...which for all of you (especially you, my IBFF) should mean I'll be back to blogging. I've missed it.