I'm trying to keep my business, my triplets, and my waistline under control. I excel at one of those, fail at another one of those, and one is a work in progress. Which is which is day dependant.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

I need to get this off my chest

Dear Bra Manufacturers,

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Michelle, and I have big bazoombas. Yes, I know, you love people like me, because it's people like me who keep you all in business. Let's face it, the flat chested women of the world don't really NEED bras, do they? They can wander around all day in their tiny little t-shirts and tank tops, without a single scrap of material between them and their oh-so-cute spaghetti strapped top. They don't need a bra at all, but they wear one for decorative purposes and to make themselves feel more like proper grown up ladies. These women are the ones who can buy a bra ON SALE. You know the sales where there are thousands upon thousands of cute, fun, colourful bras in a giant display for $9.99 each? Yes, those bras. The ones you put zero support or effort into making. The ones that people can do silly things like colour-coordinate their undies to.

The bras that I wish I could buy.

Don't get me wrong. I understand that bigger bras can never be $9.99, simply because of the amount of man hours which go into engineering them. I'm glad I am supporting the lycra industry. Heck, I don't even mind supporting the lace industry, the hook-and-eye industry, and even the team of Support and Lift Engineers you employ. What I DO mind, however, is that you people seem capable of only achieving one thing at a time. In my own industry, it just wouldn't do to make a beautiful cake which tasted terrible, nor a delicious cake which looked like a cake wreck. I have to go to work, every day, and MULTI-TASK. Yes. I need to have at least two client needs met: taste and appearance. I don't see why highly qualified professionals like yourselves can't do the same.

Let us look at your industry for a moment. For years, us big bazoomba'd ladies had to deal with the world's ugliest (but best engineered) bras. They only ever came in white, that horrid tan colour, or black. They had industrial looking straps, ugly flowers, and even poor old Aunt Beatrice didn't like them...which is funny, as they were designed for 80 year old ladies with hair on their chin (which she is.) Then you all got hip and wise and realised that big boobied women are people too...and so you started to make all sorts of cute, sexy, big bras. Shiny ones, lacey ones, diamante ones, ones with smaller straps and cute colours. You know, for a short while there, I was even PROUD of you all.


Well. It was short-lived pride.

Seems as though you left one one major design flaw behind in all those adorable bras. Comfort. Now I am guessing that a man is designing these over the shoulder boulder holders, so I'm going to try and describe for you what an unfortable but adorable bra feels like. First, I want you to take two small medicine balls and duct tape them to your chest, but only with one piece of duct tape. Then I want you to attach that woolen gardening twine (you know, the hard, painful, scrape-your-hands sort) to the medicine balls at the front. Sling the twine over your shoulders and attach the ends to your back with another piece of duct tape. Now take the duct tape off your chest and let the string hold the medicine balls in place. Great! Now run around - go to work, pick up your kids, go to the gym...tell me how your shoulders feel and look. Red? Raw? Burning? Excellent. Welcome to my world.

Now let's up the ante, because all those cute bras are usually underwire. Take a wire coat hanger. Bend it into a U shape and cut off the ends so there are two hard, sharp metal ends poking out on either side. Now do a second one. Place both of them under your medicine balls. Go about your daily business. How does that feel, especially when you sit down? Isn't getting stabbed in the chest and armpits a great way to stay awake at meetings? I think so!

Here's the thing, Mr Bra Manufacturer man. I want a bra which is BOTH comfortable and cute. I know, I know. Us big bazoomba ladies are SO demanding! Here's the thing, though...it's your job to make bras. It's your job to make bras which fit. Bras which are comfortable. Bras which do not require danger money to wear them.

I know what you're going to say. You're going to say that if I had my bra fitted properly, NONE of these things would happen. Here's the newsflash, buddy boy - I havd subjected myself to stinky old ladies in shops called things like "La Figure" and "Battleaxe Bras" on more than one ocassion. I've even allowed said old dusty lady to touch my ta-tas in ways I don't let my own husband has. I've pushed, pulled, prodded, stuffed, adjusted and wiggled my way into hundreds of bras. End result - either I look cute and feel like a trussed turkey, or I feel good and look like Aunt Beatrice. No, I don't think those are pretty visuals, either! At least we are on agreement on one thing.

Please, please, dear Bra Manufacturer Man, take pity on my big bazoomba'd soul. All I want for Channukah this year is a bra which is comfortable AND cute. I've been a very good girl, I promise!


Michelle in Melbourne


Rachel said...

I so know where you're coming from, Michelle! But there is hope! Last year I went to a shop in London called Bravissimo (www.bravissimo.com) to get measured properly. "Conventional" bra measuring put me at something like 38D, but in this shop they don't use tape measures at all and they fitted me with a 32FF. Although I have big boobs, my back is quite narrow and all I can say is that the difference is amazing! I can wear pretty bras that are so comfy you hardly know you're wearing them - underwires and all! Now I don't know if this is any use to you at all - I don't know if they ship internationally and Aussie sizing may well be different too, and you're certainly not going to jet to London just to buy a bra! - but hopefully there may be a company like them in Aus. Keep looking because comfortable and pretty bras for big boobs DO exist. Good luck on your quest - it will be worth it!

Anonymous said...

I so understand this infuriating problem. I am a young 50 not a old grandma( please excuse) , and I what a fashionable bra. Is it so much to ask . One that doesn't dig into my shoulders and leave a trough, on my shoulders, but looks young and sexy, I am 50 , not dead.

emzeegee & the hungry three said...

Rachel - I checked out the website and they ship to Australia. I just can't work out how you are supposed to figure out the sizing?!

50 year old grandma: YAY YOU for not going quietly into the night! It's really nice to hear from someone else who thinks this whole situation is ridiculous. Plus as far as I am concerned, age or no age, you want to feel a bit pretty, no?! :)


trash said...

Oh I hear you sister! And when you do find a bra that works on all counts - colour, cut, comfort - what happens? (In my case anyway) You wear it until all three factors are reduced to a greyish pile of mush because WHO KNOWS when you will find another that works!

aimeemax said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
aimeemax said...

"They don't need a bra at all, but they wear one for decorative purposes and to make themselves feel more like proper grown up ladies. These women are the ones who can buy a bra ON SALE."

I'm one of those women who wear a bra to feel like a proper grown up lady but I CAN'T buy a bra on sale as they are never small enough. And the small enough bras are gross too - they're either full to bursting with bra-stuffers so I can fake it (which I hate) or they're suitable for 13yr olds (which I'm not).

So, both ends of the bra spectrum are under-catered for!