I had hoped to return to blogging with some hilarious post about how my life is completely funny and wonderful and sane and fantastic and - all you people out there in blog land, you should be jealous of my totally fab-o life.
Well, best laid plans and all that.
Instead I am blogging to you from the eye of the storm. I've reached a point where I just don't know what to do next - and while I'm a great proponent of "just start somewhere instead of whining about where to start" - I find I'm at a loss.
Today, my Mom went back to the US after 4 weeks here in Australia. While she was here I tried really hard not to think about my Dad too much, because it was really important to me that she and I just enjoy one another's company and not dwell too much. I mostly succeeded, but now that she's gone, I'm left with my tears. Alone. Again.
Yesterday, I smacked my son. More than once. All summer we've been trying SO hard to help him get through his unnamed issues, to support him and love him and try to understand why all of a sudden he is a confused, frustrated little boy. I am not, by nature, a patient person.. so trying to be loving and patient and kind to someone who pushes your buttons is hard. I think he deserves my love, my patience, my understanding... and so DH and I are trying very hard to support him... but yesterday, he tried my patience one too many times - and so today, I can't get the sound of that slap, and the look on his face as his flinched - out of my head.
Yesterday, I got a nasty-gram from a client who is upset about a cake I made. A letter filled with accusations and threats. It's a long story, but suffice it to say this has the potential to drag on for a while... and getting that letter made me feel as though the many hundreds of cakes and thousands of cupcakes I've made before that one are somehow worth nothing at all. Intellectually I know that's not true, and it's just negative emotional self-talk... but with every moment I am now filled with self-doubt.
Two days ago, I said out loud to DH what I've been wondering in my head for a few weeks now: Am I actually cut out for business ownership? Several months ago I spoke to my Dad about this very subject, and his opinion was that perhaps I had the smarts, the skills, the drive... but not the right personality to be a business owner. I suspected then that he was right and as the months have worn on I've been unable to get that comment out of my head. I'm just not sure I'm cut out for the extreme emotional stress involved in running the show.
Truth is, I have no idea what I want any more, and logic tells me that there are steps I should take to work this out. Every time I sit down to do it, though, I become paralyzed by feelings of failure and I just kinda sit there, looking for displacement activities.
Today, I sit and type this and I just feel overwhelmed. I feel overwhelmed by the need to think, to decide, to weigh up options...but at the same time, I know that making any major decisions in my emotional state would be silly.
And so it goes.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
And So It Goes
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6 comments:
Know what you mean, i also work full time, run the kids around all weekend, and try to find time for "me" time in my new art & craft room painting whatever inspires me.
look forward to reading your blogs in the future, now that i am online too.
I am so sorry, M. I am sorry that you are in this place but you are and I know that you will work through it. Our minister's topic today was "Longsuffering" and sadly I was not of a proper attitude to receive what he had prepared.
It has not been long since your Dad was taken from you, and while I still have mine, I have heard that it takes a long time to reconcile it all. Well, not that you really every reconcile it all, but...
What I am trying to say (and failing miserably at it), is that I just want to give you a big hug, sit down and cry with you and then tell you everything is going to be okay. It won't be perfect, it won't be the same, but it will be okay.
oxox
M
Let me just say I missed your posting EmZeeGee!
Don't make any decisions about the business in the next week or so. Wait until you gain your equilibrium.
I am not surprised that your feelings of loss hit you doubly hard after your Mum's departure - even if your Dad was still alive you would be feeling pretty low to say goodbye to her.
I can only guess how hard it is to have your family on the other side of the world, even when things are great.
I think the best thing to do, when you don't know what to do next, is to take a day or two to leave everything sit. These are the days (when I am heartsick and grieving) I take off for a nice lunch in the middle of the plant nursery.
I know you can't have a mini vay-cay (was that the correct term) when the kids are home, but do something nice and calm for you.
Regarding your dear son. I don't know your issues, but lets just say that yesterday, being almost to the end of 6 weeks school holidays caught up with me. I have had 3 kids for company every single day, and eventually it sucks.
I was really horrible to them yesterday. Somehow I ended up taking all three of them to the shopping centre to buy contact for the school books - even though Luke was home.
I spent the whole trip telling them how I didn't really want them all to come, and not to touch anything etc. My son was really sending me insane, waving the contact around like a light sabre at his sisters, and running ahead in the crowd.
Honestly, I was loathing the kids company (something that seems to happen every January, at about this time)
Once I got home I told Luke I had had enough. I needed a few hours ALONE or I would crack it.
Like you, I have painful things in my family of origin that are making my patience wear thinner to begin with.
Perhaps things with your son are not as bad as they feel. The stress and grief you are dealing with could be making his issues look a whole lot worst.
Give yourself a break for having a really bad day with him, we all loose it sometimes, just most of us have trouble admitting it. I certainly know I will be screaming less when school and kinder roll around and I get the occasional daylight hour alone.
Thinking of you.
Darling,I am back Sunday evening for 3 weeks and a bit. Let's lock in a car park date for next week. Sending you heaps of hugs til then. XOXO
Michelle,
You are dealing with so much right now, it's no wonder you are feeling so overwhelmed. The pain of losing your dad is still so fresh, and your mom returning to the US when you're feeling vulnerable can't help. Be gentle with yourself.
We've all done things as a parent that we wish we could take back. It's so hard when they continually push our buttons, isn't it? Particularly if we're already ready stretched to our breaking point. You are human. Your son will survive and so will you.
As for the nasty client -- don't let one bad experience leave you questioning your talent. (Easier said than done, I know). Your cakes are amazing. And I bet the majority of professional decorators who have been in business for any length of time have had to deal with an unhappy client, warranted or not. Check Cake Central for some horror stories if misery loves company :)
I'm pulling for you.
Kristin
You all have no idea how lovely it is to read that I'm not alone in all this - that sometimes it's okay to feel as though life sucks. I suppose the message you've all got for me is that YES, sometimes it's overwhelming - but the world is filled with people like your good selves to remind us that we're loved, we're cared for, we're sympathised with.
Thank you all for taking the time to write.
M
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