...because rainbows are what you get after a storm, and this has been one heck of a stormy year.
This past Monday, my DH lost his job. Those who know me in real life would know that this isn't the first time it's happened. The last time, it very nearly destroyed my marriage and my home and my sanity. This time, he didn't see it coming... and this time, things will be different. Rather than sit around and wait for miracles, we've already started to put into place things which will make this round of financial and emotional hell a lot more manageable.
To that end, I've started to apply for some part-time jobs, and exactly 48 hours after starting this process, I've got an interview lined up. There is a part of me which feels kinda guilty about how seemingly easy it was - compared to what I know won't be nearly as easy for DH... but there's another part of me which feels vindicated. A very long time ago, I said one of my main purposes in re-training as a chef was that I'd always be able to find a job opportunity. The world will always need cooks - and with my training, I'll always be able to be one. I'll always have the security of knowing that no matter what, I have the skills to provide for my family...and that in itself is priceless. So it turns out that all the people who told me I was silly to be leaving a middle-management style of admin job... suck it. I was right. Eat that rainbow for breakfast, sweetheart.
My Dad told me that my job choice would eventually kill me - because let's face it, being an obese person around food all day is NOT exactly a great recipe (pun completely intended although not terribly witty of me). He was partially right, in that as soon as I became a chef I started to gain a lot of weight (hello butter and salt, how lovely to know you.) However, in the past 10 months I've lost somewhere in the region of 75 pounds. So...you know... rainbows. Thinner ones - but no less fabulous.
DH, for that matter, was smiling today - and he told me he is feeling positive about his prospects. He gave himself a day to be upset, woke up the next morning...and decided he needed to move forward and not dwell. Now he IS human (or at least, I think so...? But maybe all that sci-fi he's into has rubbed off) and so I think he has his dark moments, and maybe in a tiny little corner of his brain he's upset....but for his sake and mine, he's decided to channel that energy into finding a new position. He's working damn hard to find a new rainbow for himself - and let's face it, his wife needs the pot of gold at the end of it to pay the bills..
My kids... oh, my dear, sweet, understanding, fabulous kids. They knew that something was wrong when DH walked in the door only a few hours after he left for work. I had no choice but to explain (in kid friendly terms) what was happening - and I told them that DH would need loads and loads of love and affection. I even told them it was their official job to be sure that he had enough of it - and true to form, they're doing their best to ensure he never forgets that we are working through this together, as a family. They themselves are each a rainbow.
Truth be told, it's me who is having the hardest time making any rainbows... I'd really much rather scrunch myself into a little ball under my duvet and cry, and complain, and scream, and admit my worries, which are large and plentiful. But I don't have that luxury. There are cakes to be baked, husbands to hug, children to love, and a life to lead. And so, I will get up tomorrow..and the next day...and the next... and I'll make some rainbows.
It's been one heck of a crazy year. I lost my Dad, my son went haywire for a few months, the business has been in a major state of flux, and life has only really been smooth sailing for the past few weeks. And now, this bombshell has landed smack dab in the middle of my contented happiness. It sucks. HUGELY.
So while I am busy trying to make some rainbows, I'd like to ask only one thing: whoever or whatever it is up there that is in charge of storms? I'd really appreciate it if the storm passes quicker this time. Because the sooner we get to making rainbows, the better...and I don't know about you, but I'm not all that patient.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
posted at 11:39 PM