I'm trying to keep my business, my triplets, and my waistline under control. I excel at one of those, fail at another one of those, and one is a work in progress. Which is which is day dependant.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

I am so not cool

For years now, my friend Danielle has affectionately referred to me as a "dag." Now the sad thing is that literally, this term refers to the dirty, smelly, flap o' wool which hangs off the back of a sheep's ass, and gets covered in shit every time it does it's business. No, I'm not kidding. Now in this totally strange country, a "dag" also refers to someone who is (according to Wikipedia) "a likably goofy or unsophisticated person."

Hmmm. Now for a long time I knew this wasn't a compliment, but I also knew it wasn't entirely NOT nice either. Dani herself is a nice person, and every time she said it, it was with a smile and a laugh and a good-natured rib. So I never really got insulted. After all, I KNOW how supremely uncool I am. I KNOW that I am not on the cutting edge of fashion (I *heart* Birkenstocks), technology (my mobile phone is 5 years old), social scene (I'd rather see Billy Joel in concert than the Arctic Monkeys)...etc. In fact I'm so far from the cutting edge, you could say that I am just the crappy knife at the back of the drawer which, when you get it you say, "Why haven't we thrown this stupid thing out yet?" I've never, for one solitary second, been COOL. I've always had friends, I've always been pretty outgoing (except when it comes to the damn small talk), and basically I think I'm either well-liked or well-pitied. But I've never been cool. I'm too fat for cool clothes. I'm too organised and rules-oriented to attend or throw cool parties. What little manners I have make me too un-cool to be mean to people for no reason.

This past Saturday night DH and I got invited to a cocktail party. It didn't take long to realise that frankly, my uncool and very 'daggy' self shouldn't have even accepted the invitation. Uncool Revelation#1: I'm allergic to alcohol and can't drink. I am uncool before I even walk in the door. It's a cocktail party, fer'cripessake! Uncool revelation #2: I asked about dress code, which immediately revealed me as being so uncool as to have to ask that, and then extra uncool when I was surprised to hear that jeans were fine. Uncool revelation #3: We got there an HOUR late and the cool people still had yet to arrive. I even tried being fashionably late and I failed. Uncool revelation #4: I didn't really know anyone except the host and hostess. This requires small talk. Ummm, you already know how I did on this front. Uncool revelation #5: Come midnight, DH and I had to go and rescue the babysitter, while everyone else continued to get slowly smashed and talk about totally inconsequential stuff. Clearly, this party was way too cool for DH and I.

So. Given the choice between a party where everyone is very late, drunk, smoking like chimneys and talking about shit-fuck-all - and being the bit of wool hanging off a sheep's ass....well, I proudly say:

BBBBBBBBBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

5 comments:

Weinraub Family said...

I am in the club with you

I just got a cell phone after being here a year with out one. Alan still doesn't have one and has no desire to get one.

I own 2 pairs of tennis shoes, 4 pairs of sandles (flip flops really), a pair of black boots, brown boots, and 1 pair of heels (black only)

I can drink, but choose not too (how uncool does that make me?)

I would have asked about dress code too, and been WAY happy to hear jeans were ok.

Over an hour late, that isn't cool of them, that is plain ASS RUDE.

Smoking...ummm cool equals stupid here I guess. Get a clue people, smoking makes you smelling and kills you slowly. Doesn't make you cool, just stinky and stupid.

Billy Joel rocks, and who the hell was that other group you mentioned?

You lasted till midnight? Alan and I would have been home in bed by 10 LOL.

Piss off to them. We had a BLAST with you guys at your house. I would hang out with you and your Dh anyday of the week.

Leah (Weinraub Family) said...

ohh, Leah says BAAAAA BAAAAA right back at you!

Anonymous said...

I'm extremely cool and wonder if you doth protest too much.

You make cool cakes, do a cool job, have cool kids...

P.S. your babysitter so did not need rescuing!!!!

J

emzeegee & the hungry three said...

Nicole: I'm thinking we need to start a "uncool club" - LOL. :) Thanks for the kind comments (and sympathy!)

J: One day when you are a parent, you'll learn that "rescuing the babysitter" is a euphemism for "thank god now I can get the fark outta here!" ...and I might be described as having cool this and that, but I'll never be trendy. :) (That's your job, Mr $150 pair o' jeans...)

M

Anonymous said...

Where can you get jeans for only $150?

J