Roll on February

This morning (at 9am. What childless person gets up at 9am on a Sunday?) my friend The Good Doctor called me to see how I was doing. Not because he misses me, not because he forgot about plans we had last week (slacker), not because he just wanted to say hi... but because he saw me "whining on facebook" about how shit my life has been lately.

Hmmm.

I wasn't actually offended by that comment - mostly because we've been good friends for years and we're right into the 'tell it like it is' stage of friendship. I was, however, kinda taken aback by the word whining. He meant it in jest - but the idea that I would be whining, was, well... totally unforgivable. Not to mention it just left a bad taste in my mouth. And I realised that I have indeed spent a hell of a lot of time whining lately. Now I could go all moral and lovey-dovey and happy gumdrops on you and tell you about the great things in my life which are totally worth focussing on... but where the hell is the fun in all of that? I could also tell you how grateful I am that I do not live in Haiti and that to the best of my knowledge, my husband is not involved in a secret swingers club (hello Mr Rockefeller...!).

Instead of all of that, I'm just going to say this:

THANK GOD that 1) school holidays are officially over, 2) I'm finally finding the time to get a hair cut and 3) February starts tomorrow.

And So It Goes

I had hoped to return to blogging with some hilarious post about how my life is completely funny and wonderful and sane and fantastic and - all you people out there in blog land, you should be jealous of my totally fab-o life.

Well, best laid plans and all that.

Instead I am blogging to you from the eye of the storm. I've reached a point where I just don't know what to do next - and while I'm a great proponent of "just start somewhere instead of whining about where to start" - I find I'm at a loss.

Today, my Mom went back to the US after 4 weeks here in Australia. While she was here I tried really hard not to think about my Dad too much, because it was really important to me that she and I just enjoy one another's company and not dwell too much. I mostly succeeded, but now that she's gone, I'm left with my tears. Alone. Again.

Yesterday, I smacked my son. More than once. All summer we've been trying SO hard to help him get through his unnamed issues, to support him and love him and try to understand why all of a sudden he is a confused, frustrated little boy. I am not, by nature, a patient person.. so trying to be loving and patient and kind to someone who pushes your buttons is hard. I think he deserves my love, my patience, my understanding... and so DH and I are trying very hard to support him... but yesterday, he tried my patience one too many times - and so today, I can't get the sound of that slap, and the look on his face as his flinched - out of my head.

Yesterday, I got a nasty-gram from a client who is upset about a cake I made. A letter filled with accusations and threats. It's a long story, but suffice it to say this has the potential to drag on for a while... and getting that letter made me feel as though the many hundreds of cakes and thousands of cupcakes I've made before that one are somehow worth nothing at all. Intellectually I know that's not true, and it's just negative emotional self-talk... but with every moment I am now filled with self-doubt.

Two days ago, I said out loud to DH what I've been wondering in my head for a few weeks now: Am I actually cut out for business ownership? Several months ago I spoke to my Dad about this very subject, and his opinion was that perhaps I had the smarts, the skills, the drive... but not the right personality to be a business owner. I suspected then that he was right and as the months have worn on I've been unable to get that comment out of my head. I'm just not sure I'm cut out for the extreme emotional stress involved in running the show.

Truth is, I have no idea what I want any more, and logic tells me that there are steps I should take to work this out. Every time I sit down to do it, though, I become paralyzed by feelings of failure and I just kinda sit there, looking for displacement activities.

Today, I sit and type this and I just feel overwhelmed. I feel overwhelmed by the need to think, to decide, to weigh up options...but at the same time, I know that making any major decisions in my emotional state would be silly.

And so it goes.

Didya Miss Me?

Time flies, or so they say... which is why I didn't realise it had been almost 3 weeks since I last blogged. I have been reading loads of other blogs, all of which talk endlessly about resolutions and then a few days later about broken resolutions. I solved this problem last year with the achievable resolution solution and this year I briefly considered using the random resolution generator in an act of extreme laziness. I managed to keep almost every single one of my achievable resolutions, except I totally forgot that one of those resolutions was to order my own birthday cake this year...and so the task was left to DH.

...and we all know how well he's done in the past.

Now to be fair, he managed to:
1) order a cake
2) make sure it was not vanilla and not from Crappy Dairy Bell
3) have it arrive at our house on my actual birthday

However, the cake was:
1) less than 2 inches high, and even I didn't know that birthday cakes come that low
2) it had these random multi colour blobs on it (possibly balloons?!)
3) he did not pick it up himself, yet again out-sourcing
and
3) it was just kinda crappy, although improved over last year.

At dinner with some friends a week later I told them about Birthday Cake Debacle 2.0, to which The Neighbour's Wife wanted to know why I have yet to figure out that birthday cake ordering should be left to my friends and not my relatives. She might have a point there.

With that minor fail in mind, I think it's fair to say that the achievable resolutions worked pretty well for me. So, without further ado, here are my achievable resolutions for this year. Please feel free to join me in the comments of this post, since last year you guys came up with a few crackers of your own:

1. Actually start The Supper Club. I've had this idea in my head for ages, where a bunch of women get together every 6 weeks and do something out of our comfort zone. A new restaurant, a play, a concert - whatever. But the deal is you have to invite an equally fabulous woman to come with you (and thus widen our social circles) - and I'd like to add another rule that you have to wear something new but I'm not sure how achievable or affordable that is. So I'm going to start this up, because it's been in the back of my head for ages now.

2. Bake fewer cakes, bake fewer cupcakes, and decorate fewer cakes and cupcakes. I know, this sounds ridiculous for someone building a custom cake and cupcake business....and therein lies the key. I'm building this business, and I can't do it by spending so much time in the kitchen. So this year I'm going to hire clever people, invest money and time in the business, and become a business owner rather than a woman who just bakes pretty cakes but makes no money.

3. Because so much of my life is bound up in kitchen time - either commercially or personally - I tend to wear fairly utilitarian clothes, keep my hair in a ponytail, and wear no jewellery other than my wedding band, sleeper earrings, and a gold necklace around my neck which I tuck under my shirts. On my recent shopping adventure, I made a big effort to buy some pretty things, some fun things, some things which are crying out for accessories. My sister sent me some beautiful jewellery for my birthday, I bought myself a few pieces from a talented jewellery designing friend, and I even bought a ... beret. No, I'm not kidding. It's a soft grey cashmere beret. I was totally overtaken by some sort of momentary madness when I bought this thing. So this resolution is simple - to wear more accessories, to wear beautiful pieces, to bling-ify my life more.

4. I recently watched a special on TV about a woman in the UK who had lost 350lbs via diet and exercise. No special pills, no surgery, just good old hard work and determination. She then endured 5 YEARS of plastic surgery in order to revise her body to a point she could be happy with. She attributed her success to one simple thing - a kind of mantra, I suppose - which was this: What the mind believes, the body will do. Now I realise this is basically saying that it's all mind over matter, but I still love the phrasing.

So this year, I'm going to be the "do-ing" parent. The one who joins the kids on the water slide, who runs into the surf at full pelt with my jeans still on, the one who is never too tired or lazy to climb the stairs for 'just one more' goodnight kiss, the one who ISN'T sitting on the sidelines reading a book instead of actively engaging in her kids gleeful lives. The one whose mind believes she is still young and silly, because, in reality, I AM young and silly... I just sometimes forget that.

..and of course...

5. Get my friends to buy my birthday cake.

...and that's it. I think I can achieve those, and while they are not as amusing as "eating more chocolate" or "ignoring the laundry more often" I think they are a lot more true to the person I'm hoping to be in 2010. Someone who eats chocolate, but still runs around in the backyard with the kids and the hose (although don't tell anyone about the hose, Australia is in a drought you know...)

So, who is in?