Biz Guy and I had a really interesting conversation the other night, and in that conversation he described me as, "still a first time Mum." At first it made me pause but then it made perfect sense, because although I have three kids, I've only ever had the experience of pregnancy, babyhood, toddler hood and so on - the one time. He commented that (in his ever-so-humble opinion), still being a first time Mum has effectively coloured how I behave within my family and of course (being Biz Guy) within my business as well.
The comment came after I mentioned that, while very excited for them and encouraging, I found it all a little bit strange to not have all of my kids at home over school holidays (two of them had been away at camp.) I mentioned how their growing up and be independant is starting to really get to me - not in a bad way, but more a realisation of time passing by too quickly. Wrapped up in that conversation was also a discussion about how I relate to time - how I often feel like I wasted my 20's on pointless pursuits, do not feel like success has come quickly enough, and how I feel I am not moving fast enough to get things done, and so on. I live with an irrational feeling of time passing at a rate I am not comfortable with - meaning that for me there are never enough hours in the day and there is always more I can be doing, and doing it faster, better, and so on.
Biz Guy's comment was that part of all this oh-shit-time-is-marching-on thing is actually related to the whole triplet thing. For me every time a child reaches a milestone - walking, talking, dressing themselves, walking alone to the bus stop, and so on - that milestone is over, and that chapter of my life is over. I don't have another child a year or two or three years behind to experience that with again. Once it's done, it's done. I'm not saying this is a sad or bad thing, but it certainly does affect how I think about time and getting things done. I always feel like things need to be done NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW ... I'm not one for slow, considered decisions. I'm pretty sure resting on my laurels is against my religion, and I want things to happen in the immediate short term. It's not just impatience on my part - it's a real deep seated feeling that if it doesn't happen RIGHT NOW it might never happen, and that is an opportunity wasted. What if I blink and I miss something?
He then went further to say (he's not shy, ol' Biz Guy) that he thinks it's not just the kid thing, it's the husband thing which makes my internal clock tick so loudly. DH is several years older than I am, and so there to is an issue of time moving forward and me feeling like I need to be successful and get things done "in time" to enjoy my life with DH as well.
Damn it, but I hate it when Biz Guy is right. Inherent to my personality is impatience, and excitement, and a need to constantly be on the go doing things and experiencing things and just living every single second of life to it's fullest. Pair that with kids who pass each life milestone at warp speed, and a husband who has (no matter how hard I try to catch up) had 16 more years of living on this earth than I have...and, well, is it any wonder that I feel as though I will never get ahead? Of course the strange thing here is that I'm only 35 years old. A ridiculous age to feel as though I'm somehow running out of time or that I don't have enough time to get done all the things I want to get done. Relatively speaking, I'm quite young. I have nothing but time in which to reinvent myself a few more times, achieve a whole hell of a lot, and in general kick ass in these years called middle age - not to mention keep on raising amazing kids, love all over my DH, and of course talk Biz Guy's ear off several thousand more times. I've got the time in which to do all of this, so why do I always feel like I somehow don't?
I really need to learn to placate my planner-type personality, but to live in this moment and stop worrying about what comes next, what doesn't come next, and what I may or may not have the time for. Ultimately it's not me who makes the decision about how much time I've got left, so it's probably in my best interest to just s..l..o..w.. down the pace a bit.
Who am I kidding? I've got WAY too much to do to slow down. People! Why are you sitting here reading this when you could be out there DOING stuff? Have I taught you nothing? Come on now, on with it! Go, go, go!
Saturday, July 16, 2011
First Time Mum
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2 comments:
Isn't it funny how the experiences in our lives effect us in ways that we don't realise until someone points it out.
Just reading this now it has occurred to me that compared to you, I probably seem extremely unambitious. Actually I am extremely unambitious.
I love making things, but even though I wanted to have my first independent pattern in quilt shops this year, I have still not finished working on it. Two months went down the drain due to the whole ruptured appendix thing, but it is not the whole picture.
I was much more ambitious back at Uni.
The difference is not actually all down to becoming a Mother, (although part of it is).
I think the experience of my Brothers extremely painful Mental Health struggles, and my sister's brain tumor a few years ago have crystalised in my mind that I already have everything in life that I really, really want (and they don't have).
There are times when I choose to go out and have a cuppa with a friend, rather than work on pattern writing, and it is not just a case of avoiding hard work. It is really because I value my personal relationships with my friends very highly.
When things have been very, very tough with my family, sometime the only thing between myself and despair has been a cuppa with a friend.
These priorities look pretty lazy from the outside. Actually , just reading this comment they sound lazy...
That being said, I think Biz Guy is onto something with the whole milestone thing. I was raising babies/toddlers/preschoolers for 10 years. It didn't feel like it went fast.
Now that all the kids are at school it does seems to have sped up though. I just spent two whole weeks with the kids, doing their thing, and I am really looking forward to having some time to work on my thing once they go back to school on Monday.
I am also very aware that life is short, and our good health should not be taken for granted.
You should be proud of how much you have achieved in the last ten years. I for one am extremely impressed when I think about your journey, from where we were, when we met.
Claire,
You always have the time (or find the time!) to write such heartfelt and honest replies to my posts - so it's obvious (to me at least) that friendship is of paramount importance to you. I for one appreciate it immensely.
Biz Guy is definitely onto something - and you're right, sometimes it does take an outside to point out the bleeding obvious. And if I'm honest, sometimes it irritates me when he points out the obvious! :) In any case his thoughts on the topic have had the desired effect in so far as I am now thinking about this more, and trying to really live in the NOW as opposed to the who/what/when/why of the future. It's harder than it sounds.
On some level, I am so grateful for all I already have, and so proud of what I have already achieved...but on another level, I wonder if I will ever measure up to this seemingly unreachable height I have set for myself. Make no mistake, it's ME who has set the bar, not anybody else. It's as though if I do not achieve SuperWoman status across all areas - as friend, mother, wife, business owner, blogger and so on - I somehow haven't succeeded at all. Just reading that sentence makes me quite sad - that I am so much my own worst critic that I fail to pat myself on the back often enough (if at all.)
And just to show that perspective is everything, in many ways I look up to you - as a mother, as a friend, as someone with more creative talent in the tip of her pinky finger than I have in my entire body - and just about the furthest thing from "lazy" there is. So there you go, maybe it's really all just a matter of perspective.
M
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