Don't Give Me Pause

I am talker. Actually, it's fair to say that I don't so much breathe as I talk. Not incessantly (I do occassionally need to draw breath in order to talk more) but I talk a hell of a lot, and I rarely pause (except for dramatic effect, as in "Ta....DAH!") This week I've discovered that other people are NOT talkers, they are pausers, and they are either in the wrong profession to be pause-ers, or they're doing it in entirely the wrong conversation.

The dermatologist called me and left me a voice mail, which sent something like this, "Hi emzee, it's Dr. S here. PAUSE. Can you please give me a call? PAUSE. I've got some news for you. PAUSE. Thanks." Then she hung up.

The lady who shaved bits off your body and sent them to a lab has NEWS FOR YOU, and she bloody well PAUSES afterwards, without telling you the sort of news it is.  You know, the same pause which might come before the phrase, "...and the lab results show positive for the big C word."

She called me shortly thereafter on my work number, and this time she reached me, and AGAIN she said, "Hi emzee, it's Dr. S here. PAUSE. I'm calling because I have some news for you. PAUSE."

In that second pause, I had a heart attack and died. She did not notice, she was too busy pausing.

"It's GOOD news, all the tests came back clear, you're all good. Nothing to worry about at all."

For fuck's sake woman! Can you not just remove the pause and say all in one breath, "Hi emzee, the results came back all good you will live a long  and fruitful life and I shall never pause dramatically again thanks see you in a year." PAUSE. 

No. Instead she had to leave me hanging, or rather, dying.

I think there should be a law which says doctor's are not allowed to pause when delivering news of any kind. Even bad news. Just rip the damn bandaid off as quickly as possible, thanks.

The same is true for my clients. This morning I died another small death when a client called.

"emzee? PAUSE. This is client. PAUSE. I just got a delivery of cupcakes. PAUSE."

At this point, I'm thinking - I'm going to KILL my delivery guy if he fucked this up. He KNOWS to check the box right before delivery. Seriously. (Sidebar - in this case delivery guy is also husband guy, so you know I was going to go ape-shit on him.) I'm also thinking - what if we got the flavour wrong? The colour wrong? The quantity? What is she calling to complain about? What did we screw up? The fact that I work on the assumption that she is calling to complain is not just a matter of me being a Negative Nelly, it's based on years and years of experience which tells me that most clients, even the ecstatically happy ones, won't ever bother to contact you (until their next order.) The unreasonable and unhappy pains in the arse, however, will call you before the delivery guy has even handed over the box. Hence my trepidation when this client called not 5 minutes after I got the "delivery done, you can start breathing again," text message from DH. (Boy does he know me well...)

This client had the gall to PAUSE dramatically once she told me she just got her delivery, and her tone of voice gave nothing away.

"They look AMAZING, so much better than I imagined, OMG OMG OMG *insert happy customer squealing* You are the BEST ever, I'm just calling to say thank you SO much and to ask you how to store them so they remain perfect for the party tonight."

I'd have answered her, but in the midst of her pause my heart stopped beating and I slid slowly and soundlessly to the floor. She too didn't notice. Too busy pausing.

The conversational pause is going to be the death of me. (*snort*)

I hereby decree that certain professions (among those doctors or health professionals, people who tell you you've won the lottery or other prizes, teachers or anyone looking after my kids) and certain people in my life (I'm talking to you, clients) are NOT ALLOWED TO PAUSE.

My poor heart can't take it .....

anymore.