Today the artists formerly known as trees and now known as hordes of junk mail catalogues were literally clogging up our mailbox. I like a bit of pornographic photos of supermarket meat on sale as much as the next person, but what I find most amusing are the endless catalogues full of Mother's Day gifts and wild exclamations. "Gifts she'll love!" "Something special for your special Mum!" "Make her day extra special!" "Wow her with your ability to purchase useless crap!" and so on and so forth.
Every single catalogue is pink, or shades of pink and the fonts are all swirly and curly and vaguely meant to appeal to females....which is odd because I think it's not meant to be the females who buy this stuff, right? The catalogues all feature variations on a theme, with the theme being "masses of shit your Mum will never use." These items include but are not limited to: personal massagers (okay, so maybe I might find *some* use for that one - *wink*), foot spas, electric frying pans, crepe makers, really ugly 7kt jewellery, slippers from 1950 (with blue embroidery, natch!) and popcorn machines adorned with smiley faces.
My personal favourite was an electric egg cooker. Literally a device which can hold "up to seven eggs in one sitting!" and can either poach or hard boil eggs. Not everyone is a cook... but surely this device is really just an expensive version of.. A POT. And as an aside, who knew that eggs sit?
So in thinking about the upcoming holiday (and I use that term loosely), I started to think about what I might like to get for Mother's Day. Of course in my fantasy gift world there is no limit on cost or issues like time, space, or actual ability to get these things. It's just..stuff... I could get if I ruled the world (and if my kids got off their lazy asses and went out to work to earn some real money. Sheesh! What's a girl gotta do?)
Top Ten Things I Want For Mother's Day
10. To pee, all by myself, with the door nailed shut and the walls soundproofed. This way I can pee in leisurely quiet without worrying about anyone coming in, and I won't be able to hear their pounding on the door or screaming for attention.
9. The wind to change at the exact moment my kid pulls a face, and for the wind to actually KEEP their face in that position.
8. Calorie-less ice cream which tastes like the real thing. Regular readers of e&th3 would know that I tend to wish for this rather often.
7. Instant consequence thinker-upperer. One of my parenting philosophies is to never make empty threats. So don't go telling your kid you're going to take them back to the store where you bought them unless you really DID buy them at Wal-Mart. The problem with my "no empty threats" rule is that I never have good consequences on hand when I need them. I end up saying, "The next time you wipe your dirty hands on the chair I'm going to....and I... umm.. well..." and I am left looking like an idiot. (Siderbar: Can someone please tell me WHAT is the appropriate consequence for that?!) Hence, I want the magic ability to instantly always come up with a really good consequence when I need one.
6. Instant consequence reality. Let's say #7 comes up, and the instant consequence is, "If you don't stop wiping your dirty hands on the chair I'm going to... make you go out into the forest and build me a new dining suite using only a toothpick and a etch-a-sketch" then I totally want that to happen, RIGHT THEN AND THERE. Can you just imagine the power this would hold? I also want to stand there and cackle as they do it.
5. The Sci-Fi channel banned forever. I am a Sci-Fi Channel widow, and I've bloody well had enough of it. Sure, Buffy and that blond chick from Stargate are kinda cute, but I could use a bit of action around here, you know?
4. I want my kids to never think that hugging their Mum in public is embarassing, because I plan on doing WAY more embarassing things than that.
3. I want my friends to stop taking those ridiculous quizzes on facebook. I do not give a shit what kind of soda you are, what your hippie name is, what your five favourite pizza toppings are, what kind of Barbie doll you are, what bands you have seen in concert, what kind of chocolate you are, what your white trash name would be, what colour you are, and how many kids you may or may not have. People, stop the stupid quiz madness!
2. First Class round-the-world tickets for a foodie tour of the world. I want to eat fresh baguettes in Paris, gelati in Milan, chocolate in Belgium, falafel in Israel, bangers & mash in the UK, cous cous in Morocco, hot dogs in NYC, sushi in Japan, pfefferneuse in Germany, coffee in South America, tea in Sri Lanka, curry in India, croquettes in Holland, pierogi in Russia, and so on and so forth. I also do not want to gain a single ounce while I am doing this.
...and the number one thing I want for Mother's Day is...
1. An electric egg cooker.
The number one thing I want for Mother's Day is...
1. Peace of mind. On several fronts.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
posted at 7:47 PM