My College Essay #2

(See my earlier post about why I am doing this.)

My College Essay #2
from Brandeis: If you could choose to be raised by robots, dinosaurs, or alients, who would you pick? Why?

Top Ten Reasons I Want An Alien For a Mom:

1. She probably has arms. You ever hugged a robot? Very cold and uncomfortable when their bolts stick into your ribs. Also dinoaurs? Very short arms very high off the ground. Useless.

2. She probably has some pretty good skincare tips. Anyone who has lived 48 billion light years but does not look a day over 21 has got some sort of secret, and it's not Dove soap.

3. There have got to be some wicked food options in outer space, and I'm not talking about that crappy astronaut ice cream we all ate in fourth grade.

4. She's probably got shit loads of frequent flier points to share with me. All that intergalactic travel and whatnot.

5. When she says, "Go to your room!" you can sarcastically say, "In which galaxy?" and actually mean it.

6. Being an alien, I might get to meet E.T. and seriously? I've wanted to do that since I was about eight years old. I don't get why Drew Barrymore was so damn lucky and I wasn't. (Okay she's cuter than me but that's not a good enough reason.)

7. And speaking of meeting cool aliens...I've only got one word for you (like Madonna but for the alien world) ALF.

8. We would get to sit up there in space and laugh our asses off about how those stupid humans are destroying the earth without any real back up plan.

9. Mad. Cool. Accessories.

And the No. 10 reason why I want an alien for a Mom:

10. Every once in a while, I'd make contact with Earth just to freak people right out. I'd made contact with people like John Edward and then watch while his head totally explodes when he is hearing voices for real.