She's Just Not That Into You

Dear Customer,
(the one we now call "stalker boy")

You are totally smokin' hot. As in, so hot that when you left my office, I checked your seat for scorch marks. You're tall, and have clear, glowing coffee skin, and you're quite built and have this very cute smile with a dimple, and you're also nice and super charming. I think I love you, but I know the difference between "immediate crush on a client" love and "stalking" love. I don't think you know the difference, though, so I am going to teach you right now.

Signs you know you are stalking this girl:

1. By your own admission, you spend an entire month's salary buying her an iTouch for her birthday, and she tells you to your face she doesn't like you that way, but you...

2. Spend over $200 on buying her a birthday cake for a party which not only do you not know how many people are invited but...

3. You're not actually sure she's even having a party. But you still ordered a cake which...

4. Has her face plastered all over the front of it. I'm not entirely sure why you would buy a 20 year old a cake for her birthday with her own picture on it, but there you go. Plus I think it's pretty stalker-ish that you...

5. Brought me a USB stick with a folder on it called "babe" which was filled with photos labelled "babe1" "babe2" "babe3" and so on. I could probably have forgiven you that if...

6. You did not admit right away that you stole all those photos from her phone. Plus it got kinda creepy when I asked you which photo I should use for the cake and you looked all dreamy and said...

7. "I don't know because I think she looks beautiful in all of them." At this point I felt I had to break it to you gently, and so I said, "Wow, you're going to a lot of effort and money for this girl," to which you said...

8. "Yes, I keep giving her everything she wants and many expensive presents but it still does not seem to be working." To which I gently said, (because, obviously, my role other than cake maker is therapist), "Maybe it's time to find someone else? Because I'm not sure how much longer you can afford her!" (insert awkward giggle), to which you said,

9. "This is my last attempt. If this cake doesn't work, I will have to give up." Which means...

10. You put too much pressure on the cake maker. Mate, if the iTouch didn't help, a cake isn't going to, either. Plus - not to belabour the point or anything - it's totally weird that this cake is a surprise for a party you are not entirely sure is happening. If you didn't score an invite to the imaginary party, well... I think it's time to admit she's just not that into you. And just quietly...

11. I also find it kinda odd that when I asked you what you wanted written on the cake, you unfolded a piece of paper to check the spelling of her name, and made it pretty clear you were not at all entirely sure how to spell her name yourself, hence the bit of crumpled paper.

Listen to me. You are HOTTER THAN HOT and this chick does not deserve you. It's time to move on.

However, since I'm all about giving clients more than they expect, I want you to know that I SUPER MEGA stalkerized your cake for you. So I made the picture of her as BIG AS POSSIBLE to cover almost the entire surface of the cake, *and* I put these massive ostentatious white sugar roses on each corner. You know, so she gets the idea that you are a totally creepy dude and if nothing else, receiving this cake should make her run a mile (if not more) in her babe-ish high heels.

I know, it's going to hurt for a while...but trust me, you'll thank me later.

With love (and I mean that in the most platonic of ways),

Michelle

P.S. NO, I will not make your wedding cake.
P.P.S Even if she knows the wedding is happening.