Not A Good Look

Before I totally rip into the women wearing inappropriate swimwear who were at the pool today, let me give you the following disclaimers:

1) I'm fat. Somewhat less fat than I used to be, but always fat where it counts, which is in my head. Also still fat in the real world (outside my head.)

2) I'm judgemental even though I'm fat. So don't go thinking that because I am a bit smaller now, I am somehow more judgemental than I used to be. I'd look at people and internally comment on what they were wearing when I was VERY fat, when I was a LITTLE fat, and when I was NOT AT ALL fat (which never happened. See #1.) My own size at the time does not at all relate to my noticing and commenting on other people. I'm just bitchy no matter what the size.

3) I am fashion backwards. Okay, maybe that's being a little harsh. I'm fashion stagnant. So I don't do "statement pieces," I hate shopping (mostly), I've never bought anything just because of the label sewn into it, and I probably wouldn't know what's trendy unless you hit me over the head with it. My main concern with fashion is that it a) be comfortable, b) not require ironing and c) withstand the vigour of my life and my kids' crappy folding abilities. Ah, yes, and if it's stain and wrinkle resistant I'm also keen on it.

4) I live under the assumption that whatever mean, judgemental or bitchy comments I might make about other people and their clothing has probably been made about me at some point or another.

and

5) My bathers are probably not perfect, either.

With all that being said, here is what I need to know: Do most of the suburban mothers who go to my local pool only shop at swimwear stores with skinny mirrors? Or mirrors which do not show wrinkles? Or mirrors which show you are 10+ years younger than you are? Are they all delusional? Because really, some of the 'looks' I saw today just about BURNED MY RETINAS.

The first group was Women Who Should Not Wear Bikinis. These women did tend to be on the heavier side, but it wasn't all the fat chicks who were hanging it out there. Sweetheart, even if you're as thin as Rachel Zoe, if your stomach looks like a Shar Pei...don't put on a bikini and assault the rest of us. I'm all for 'big and beautiful' ...but if your rolls have got rolls, please don't put on a bikini. Same with those of us who are knocked up. I do NOT understand the pregnant and bikini look, especially when the bikini bottoms are squished so low as to be barely covering your hoo-hah and so you look basically naked under that belly. Bikinis (in my humble fat chick opinion) need to only be worn by those whose stomachs can double as a dining table. FLAT and HARD. So we're really talking about girls under the age of about 11, and women who we hate anyway because they are naturally awesome (hello, Elle McPherson) or can afford to pay a team of people to make them awesome (hello, Elle McPherson.)

The second group was Women Who Don't Believe In Boob Support. Now I will freely admit that I have fallen, and probably still fall, into this category. Simple reason - those stupid in-built bras which are in the bathers which fit me are always too small. Always. When I've gone the whole she-bang and bough bathers at a place where the cup size is your ACTUAL bra size, I look not dissimilar to someone trying to smuggle two torpedos under their top. Last I checked weapons of war are not welcome at my local pool. Scares the kiddies, apparently. So I understand this concept of lack of boob support, I really do. I don't, however, get it for those of us blessed with bra sizes in the first half of the alphabet. Those women have NO excuse. Seriously, there was enough boob flapping at the pool today that I briefly considered putting "install a wind turbine" on the "please leave your comments" cards at the front desk.

The third group was Women Who Forgot To Look In A Mirror (when they bought their bathers.). Sorry, but anything metallic does not belong on women over a certain age unless they are as smokingly hot as Helen Mirren. The rest of you...please. Just stop, okay? Metallic should also never be done as animal prints, on ANY age. Just sayin'. Also, if you're going to be all trendy and cool, and buy bathers with strategically cut-out bits - maybe try something other than just standing up in the dressing room. Because when you sit down, the strategic bits become...less than strategic. I know, because I SAW some decidedly non-strategically covered bits which I do not care to see again. Also, if the bottoms of your bathers do not cover your ass when the bathers are dry, they will not do so when they are wet. Actually, it gets worse as they get wet, because then they creep upwards towards your ass crack and then you get that lovely picking action which we all need to watch you do.

In all fairness, not everyone there was a complete bathers tragedy. There were plenty of tasteful, well fitting, flattering, entirely age-appropriate bathers there today. But where the hell is the fun in blogging about those ones?! Far more fun to hang crap on all the floppy boobs, saggy bellies, mutton dressed as lamb and WHAT THE....? looks I saw today.

Ahhh, the pool on a hot summer's day. Perfect for relaxing, sunning, playing, swimming and...sitting in judgement. My kind of place.