It's all fun and games until someone gets a hair out of place.
This weekend is the SSOTH's major event for the year - a camp out on the school's oval. Yes, that's right- more than three hundred Jews (for whom camping is actually against their religion) are going to go and hang out - together - on one enormous, perfectly groomed patch of grass for about as long as it takes for someone to break a nail (or 18 hours.)
This event is not free, by the way - you need to pay about as much as one might pay for a night in the Honeymoon Suite at the Park Hyatt to attend... but it's not even one-sixteenth of the fun as that might be. Because I'm pretty sure that if DH and I have the kind of knock down, drag out, scream the room down type of sex in that tent which we'd be having at the Park Hyatt, my kids would get kinda embarrassed about it.
In preparation for the Great Exodus - in which all these Jew families leave their McMansions, chriophractically correct mattresses and Mercedes behind for one night of hell on earth - I decided to read the event manifesto...sorry, the program of events...to see exactly what it is that I am in for.
Good Lord.
First, it's a THREE PAGE document. Really. Just to tell us how to sleep on grass.
Second, there was a whole email with explanations (to which the document was attached), with pertient news like, "Just to dispel the rumours, the movie being shown is not E.T. and is not animated." Yeah, like I gave a shit in the first place? Wait...there are people who are so devoid a life they need to generate rumours about this in the first place?
Good Lord.
Here are some other gems from the Camping With Jews Manifesto:
- There is a "Camp out Shop" which will be selling snacks and drinks and other crap. Just so you know, it's a fully catered event and it goes for less than 24 hours. Clearly, ss Jews take food really seriously and therefore have to have an on tap food supply such as the shop. Personally I'm hoping it's the kind of shop where you go and ask for the "chocolate bar" and with a wink and a nudge you actually get an ounce of pot. But that's just me.
- Each family has a designated area in which to pitch their tent - because really, the opportunity for bitch cliques was far too high to allow the possible riots which would ensue. I'm thinking Lord of the Flies but with hairspray and Prada sunglasses.
- They are expecting me to Zumba with skinny manicured women at 8am. Um, that would be a NO.
- They are then expecting me to SWIM with said skinny manicured women at 10am. What pat of "not on your fucking life!" is not clear? On second thought, maybe this is meant to be a kids activity? Either way my ass is going nowhere near water at any time during this event.
- There are a bunch of other activities designed to push me right the hell out of my comfort zone. African Drumming Workshops. Soccer games. Dinners. Monlight Cinema. Mini Olympics (AKA watch the fat Mum fall on her ass while the Alpha Males try to prove how big a penis they have by winning the potato sack race). And...the event which strikes fear in the heart of every socially awkward and uncoordinated person such as myself - the "Mystery Activity" which starts at 9:30pm. Which I'm pretty sure is the same time as I am meant to be having sex with DH in the tent, so- sorry! Can't be there. Y'all have fun without me, 'kay?
...and just in case you thought this event was about having fun, here is the official list of rules (not in any way altered by me.) (For real.)
Rules
- No smoking anywhere on school premises
- No fires
- This is an alcohol-free event
- Please leave the campsite clean. All rubbish to be put in bins provided
- Parents are responsible for their own children at all times
- No wandering around the school – please stay within the campsite ground
- When walking with hot drinks, always use a lid
- Children are not allowed near the hot urns
- The most important rule is YOU MUST HAVE FUN!
It's going to be one seriously fucking long night.
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