Pool Politics

We live right near the local outdoor pool (yes, I know, pools are cess pits of other people's pee and fluids, but when it's a billion degrees out and my kids are whining, heck, I'll swim in ANIMAL pee if that's what is required to calm everyone.) So. We live about 5 or so minutes walking distance from an outdoor pool 'complex' which looks pretty much like all the ones you've seen at the movies. You know, gajillions of kids wandering around half-naked, followed by gajillions of adults wandering around half-naked (and most of those really should be covered up). Teenagers flirting, lifeguards guarding nothing but the view of the ass of the other lifeguard, and so on and so forth including the overpriced Coke and Popsicles. You get the idea.

Because it's close and it's cheap entertainment and it exhausts the children to the point of delirium, we go there fairly often. As in, more than once a week. During the course of several summers, it's occurred to me that there is a bit of an unwritten code of pool conduct which can be summed up as follows:

1. There will always, ALWAYS be a random kid whose parents are ignoring him, so this kid will latch onto DH or I like a freakin' LEECH and we won't be able to get rid of them. NO, KID, I DON'T want to play with you and I DON'T want your mangy, pee-wetted arms around my neck choking me to death. My own kids do that just fine, thanks.

2. There will be several mothers (myself included) who have yet to realise that no matter how loud you yell, "KID! I *SAID* GET OUT OF THE POOL RIGHT *NOW*!!" your kid will still either not hear you or pretend not to hear you. In any case, you'll feel the need to yell progressively louder and louder. It won't help, but you'll keep yelling. You won't learn. See #7.

3. There will be several fathers who really should not wear see-through Speedos.

4. The number of minutes the kids spend in the pool is directly related to the number of times you will say, "No, sorry, no Popsicles today." (and you'll feel like the Grinch parent - but what am I? Made of money?) Whoever sets the prices for snacks at rock concerts or movie theaters does it for the pool as well.

5. No matter how many drinks and snacks you bring, it'll never be enough. This means you'll have to deal with #4.

6. There will always be some kid whose behaviour warrants evil laser eyes pointed in the direction of his mother, who is blissfully ignorant of him because she is too busy complaining about how her butt looks big in her bikini. We hate her (and her terrorist of a kid.)

7. It will take forever and a day to get everyone ready to go to the pool - there are bathing suits to be found, sunscreen to be applied, complaining to do, towels lost and so on. Once they are in, it will take forever and a day to get them out. Children are programmed to move at whatever speed you don't want them to: fast when you have all day, and slow when you are in a rush to get somewhere.

8. The pool will always be better than the beach: a) no sand in various body cracks, b) no sand in food and c) no sand anywhere. Plus no need to take furniture with you! However, the beach has fewer evil children per square metre of actual water, so you'll need to think which way to go before you leave the house.

Needless to say it looks like it is shaping up to be a long, hot, glorious Melbourne summer. Strawberries, stone fruit, sunscreen, slippery bodies - hooray! Expect lots of yay-its-summer posts along with other-kids-suck posts. Oh wait, I do both of those already! Okay, expect not much to change.

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