Meditation Missteps

My efforts at becoming a devotee of meditation have been, shall we say, lacking. I really, really wanted to be one of those people who gets up an extra 30 minutes early and devotes that time to the practice of mediation. Instead I became one of those people who gets up several hours early and then looks irritatedly at the alarm clock until it becomes time to actually wake up and face the day. The irony that I am struggling to sleep very well because of stress and worry - and it's meditation which would help -  is not lost on me. The irony that I am lying in bed awake ANYWAY and should therefore use that time to meditate is also something I'm aware of.

What can I say, I have yet to master the art of actually doing the bleedingly obvious right thing to do.

I decided that it was easier for me to get to bed earlier than it was to wake up earlier, and that the solution here was nighttime meditation. I then decided to go all 21st century and download a sleep meditation app. I don't own a CD player (and my car still has a tape deck!) and so the app was the best way to go.

App #1 was actually a sleep hypnosis app. I listened to it - in full - for 3 nights. Every night I got to the end of the talking and thought to myself, "Wait, aren't I meant to have been hypontised into glorious sleep by now? I wonder if that guy talking is hot. He sounds kinda hot...but kinda old and a little creepy. Can you be hot yet creepy and old...?" and so on, ad naseum, until I realised I once again was not getting any sleep.

App #2 was a little better, except that it was a "Learn to Meditate" app and specifically tells you not to do it at night or lying down. I ignored that bit and did it at night, lying down. His voice was quite pleasant, and I did manage to fall asleep once or twice, but he kept banging on about focussing on a candle...and I was shit at the focussing so I'd fall asleep trying desperatly to imagine up a flickering candle. I think if you follow the official instructions you're meant to actually light a candle, but I'm pretty sure doing that while lying down half asleep is a bad idea.

App #3 was actually a Sleep Meditation App. Ahh, now we are getting somewhere! Only problem is that the delightful Shazzie, a) has a ridiculous name, and b) is English so has a delicious sounding accent but talks so slowly you desperately want to tell her to hurry the fuck up. Plus the first thing she says in her calm and very slow voice is, "Do not listen to this sleep meditation while driving a vehicle or operating heavy machinery. Do not listen to this sleep meditation if you intend to drive a vehicle or operate heavy machinery immediately after listening to it." Is it just me? First, what moron gets into his tractor, pushes his IPod ear buds, and listens to a sleep mediation? Second, if she's doing her job, I won't be doing anything AFTER this mediation other than SLEEPING, not driving a fecking tractor!

OMG I just Googled Shazzie. She's like an entire enterprise.

Anyway - I quite enjoyed the lovely Shazzie and in truth, I've never made it to the end of her recording because I've always fallen asleep mid-way (and therefore I never get to drive the damn tractor! Argh!) I'm not entirely loving it though, as I find I fall asleep while waiting for her to finish a sentence, and I'm pretty sure that's not the point...or maybe it is?

My voyage to sleep has actually made me realise that the issue is not falling asleep, the issue is staying asleep andn having a full restful night.

I hear that apparently meditation can help with that.