I'm trying to keep my business, my triplets, and my waistline under control. I excel at one of those, fail at another one of those, and one is a work in progress. Which is which is day dependant.

Monday, November 5, 2012

Word Play #1: Diff'rent Strokes for Diff'rent Folks

I'd forgotten that last time I did NaBloPoMo, I asked people to give me a list of seemingly random words which I would then use to craft an entirely real and readable blog post with. One of my faithful readers reminded me of this little game and I'm always happy to use a good writing prompt. The words in red are the ones given to me (with thanks to my IBFF for these, I'm pretty sure this post will generate a heap of spam so thanks for the love. Not.)

I recently went with a girlfriend of mine to a sex shop. Actually a sex superstore.

Now there's an interesting beginning to a story, isn't there? Oh, and *waves to in-laws* - yep, I realise I'm potentially exposing (ha!) myself a little more than I like but it's all in the name of good writing practice, yes? To clarify (and avoid further embarassment) I meant "girlfriend" as in friend-who-is-female, not "girlfriend" as in my bit on the side (that's another post.) (I'm kidding.) (Really.)

Anyway, she asked me to accompany her to...ummm.. oh hell. *red cheeks* She asked me to accompany her to purchase some toys. The type of toys which, when you turn them on and hold them in your hand, cause vibration. I'm always one for new adventures so I went along as moral support and we checked out the selection there. I have got to say that I was astounded at the amount of - stuff - they had there. Literally everything from plain old pornography of the magazine sort, to videos which feature everything from The Pope to bananas to Octomom (and I SO wish I was kidding about that Octomom thing. I'm not.) The video section alone had me wandering in there, mouth agape, at the sorts of things which people seem to find titilating. There was an entire section of parody videos - literally, people dressed up as (for example) The Simpsons - acting out whole episodes but with a sexual twist. Then there were the sci-fi and horror sections, featuring aliens and strange creatures and ghosts which go bump in the night (quite literally as it happens.) 

I've got to say the entire experience was eye opening quite literally - frankly, there was a bunch of stuff which required me to read the instructions just to work out what you might DO with one of those things. My question is, who sits around and thinks about making these things?! And can I have their job? Because I'm thinking spending all day coming up with an entire BAKING SECTION of stuff of a naughty nature has GOT to be a fabulous job. Did someone sit around and think, "I know! I've always wanted to make a pavlova in the shape of a penis! Let's manufacture a penis-shaped cake tin!"  Apparently, they did. There were cake toppers. Candles. Cake servers. Aprons. Funny chef's hats. Cookie cutters. Literally all the tools of the trade in the shape of...tools. An entire cookery AISLE of stuff, should you ever feel yourself in need of, say, boobie-shaped ice cubes. I have no shame in admitting that I wanted to buy that cake tin. I really did. I'm not sure why I didn't buy it, other than I'm not entirely clear on what use I might have for it, and explaining it's purchase to anyone (or it's existance in my business's collection of cake tins) might be a tad...hard..to do. (You saw what I did just there, didn't you?) Besides it was a crappy quality, made in China sort of affair and I prefer my penises to be hard wearing. 


I just typed that out loud, didn't it?

Ah well, in for a penny...

I'm pretty sure the instructions required that it be hand washed - and can you just imagine the jokes that would go on at work about that?! It's the only baking tin in the world which gets harder the more you wash it.

*boom tish*

Before formally ending this post (and the humiliation therein), I'd just like to remind you all that there are only 7 shopping weeks until my birthday, and I quite like novelty pavlovas. 

*exits, stage left*


Danielle Reed said...

You and you only are the only person I know who can make all those words sound dirty! Have I told you lately I love November?

Kristin Gemma said...

OMG -- this made me laugh out loud and I needed a laugh this week!


PS -- the Cake Wrecks blog recently posted pics with a bunch of alternate uses for penis-shaped cake pans (lighthouse, rocket, etc.), so I think you would have been absolutely justified in buying one.