I'm trying to keep my business, my triplets, and my waistline under control. I excel at one of those, fail at another one of those, and one is a work in progress. Which is which is day dependant.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Hope, And The Loss Thereof

I make no secret about the fact that DH and I are in the mega financial hole, and that he's been out of work since July.

Because clearly, I'm all about over-sharing on my blog.

In the past few months this situation has been really wearing me down. I'm doing my best to hang in there, but the reality of it is I can feel hope slowly slipping away. Funnily enough I recently re-read Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (in anticipation of the movie) and the description of the Dementor's Kiss is kind of what I feel like these days. It's as though I can just feel all the happy, good, hopeful, 'we'll get through this' positive stuff ebbing away and leaving me with a very dark heart.

This isn't to say that I'm not still cheerful (and yesterday's post summed that up nicely, I think. ) It doesn't mean I am spending every minute sitting in a corner feeling sorry for myself. It's more that I am at the point where I can't really see a positive outcome for us right now, and frankly I'm damn sick of pretending that I CAN see one. In short, it would seem that hope has left the building.

A friend of mine living in a similar situation told me that this feeling is normal...that eventually I'll just get past this bleak moment and hope will float right back in again. She's someone who has been living with this for 3 YEARS so I'm sure she knows what she's talking about, but... I'm not sure I can really make it that long. At what point along this crappy road do you make the big decisions? To sell the house, to ask for help, to get a third job, to put the kids at the local school and stop all their activities? At what point do you give in to the reality of the situation? Or do you just hope it will all be okay and fix up the mess (eg debt) later? We have taken a lot of action to allow us to keep surviving, but as I stare at that woeful bank balance, I know it's not nearly enough. So what now? Is it time to take the next step, even if that next step would mean choosing to give up my home?

Without hope, how does one even make decisions in the first place? It seems the energy to do so has also left me.

emzee is not in a good - or even cheerful - place right now.

Bugger. I hate it when that happens.


Danielle said...

Awwwwww....poor Emzee. I could say the usual crap like "at least you have your health", or "you are rich...rich in love with three beautiful kids". But it really doesn't help, does it? It's ok to admit that sometimes, life is just crap.

Rachel said...

Oh Michelle, I do feel for you. We have also been through this, albeit many years ago. Three months after we were married my hubs lost his job and was out of work for almost 2 and a half years. And yes, it was absolute hell. Luckily we didn't yet have kids and we had lots of family close by to help us out when we needed it (which was often) but it still felt like it would never get better again. Looking back now I'm still not really quite sure how we managed it. But we did. With regards to your "sell the house or cut back on the kids' stuff" dilemma, I don't know the answer. I would normally say do everything possible to keep your house, but I guess it depends on how attached you are to it and how practical it would be to move. We could move right now to a smaller house and wipe out our mortgage but it would mean moving to a completely different area of the country - which is just not an option. Maybe the kids won't mind giving up their activities for a while if they know it will help ease some of your worries?

emzeegee & the hungry three said...

Rach and Danielle,

((hugs)) of the richest kind to both of you.