How To Eat M n' M's, the emzee way

By the time you get, oh, maybe halfway through this entry, you will be thinking to yourself, "She has GOT to be kidding. Does she really eat them this way?" The answer is a resounding YES, I do eat them this way. However since this method requires both a fair amount of time and a flat surface, I don't eat them all that often. Maybe once a year? This method applies to things other than M n' M's but the criteria are that the items must be small, edible, of a similar shape but a different colour. A good example is Skittles, a bad example is Reece's Pieces (not enough colours). Without futher ado, here is How To Eat M n' M's, the emzee way:

1. Best to be wearing something comfortable and sitting somewhere comfortable. Tear the top off the packet and spill out the contents onto a flat surface. Don't eat any.

2. Separate the M n' M's into colour groups: all red, all orange, all yellow...and so on. Don't eat any. I also like to put them in a circle, in rainbow order. Yes, really.

3. Count how many are in each colour group. Don't eat any.

4. If there are any groups with odd numbers, you must eat them until those groups have even numbers. HOWEVER (!!) only eat them in the order in which you like them LEAST. So if you don't like brown, and there are 7 brown ones, eat 1 brown M n' M first. Then your next least favourite colour, and so on until each group has an even number. Eat s-l-o-w-l-y so as to contemplate your next move.

5. At this point you have two options:

• If the groups all have the same number, and it's a low number like 4, you can either eat one whole group at a time (again, in order of least favourite to most favourite) or you can eat two from each group (least to most again) until they are gone. No odd numbers allowed.
• If the groups all have different numbers, move onto step #6.

6. Now you should have a number of different colour groups, all with even numbers, but one might have 4 in it, one might have 8 in it, etc. This also leaves you with two options:

• Eat the smallest group first and then keep eating by group in colour order of least to most favourite.
  
• If the smallest group is your favourite colour, and you can't bear the thought of doing that, go onto step #7.

7. Start eating the M n' M's (finally, thank god, I thought this would go on all day and the damn things would melt by now). Start with the group with the highest number (regardless of colour) and eat enough so that it and another group have the same number. Eat enough (in any order) so that they all have the same number of candies left.

8. Once the groups all have the same number, you can go back to step #5, point #1.

9. Eventually you will be forced to eat the final two candies of your favourite colour group. Best to do this quickly so that they don't feel any pain.

10. Now sigh in contentment, look at the time, and think to yourself, "And THIS is why I only eat M n' M's once a year."