Sneaky Is Best

My parents, as we all know, are from the Holy Land. This means I can understand a heck of a lot of Holy Land language - I can't read (except at the level of a first grader), can't write (not even first grade level) and I can speak as long as you don't care too much about grammar. What I CAN do is understand a vast majority of spoken Hebrew. A number of times in my life this has come in handy, most notably this morning.

Picture this. A whole crowd of cheffie students waiting outside a classroom for an exam to start (I ACED it, but what else is new?) The characters are:
- Me (looking cute in my chef's whites)
- Nice Israeli Guy from my class (NiceGuy)
- Other Israeli Guy who I only know in passing (OtherGuy)
- Asshole Israeli Guy who I don't know at all (Asshole).

For the record, NiceGuy knows I understand/speak Hebrew, and OtherGuy will find this out shortly. So here's how the convo went:

[Asshole walks past us]

OtherGuy (in Hebrew): Whoah ho ho, who looks like a pretty cheffie then?

Me (English): Well, yeah, except for the shoes! (which, it should be noted, are snakeskin black cowboy boots with very long and pointy toes and so NOT cheffie like but clearly Asshole like.)

Asshole (Hebrew, with nasty look on face and nasty inflection): Who is this elephant? (meaning moi).

Me (IN HEBREW): This elephant understands Hebrew, so if I were you I'd shut your freakin' mouth.

Asshole: [cowers in corner]

Me (in English): Next time you decide to insult someone, it's probably best if you do it in a language they don't understand.

I (and NiceGuy, who is killing himself laughing, and OtherGuy, who suddenly 'gets it') flounce into classroom to kick culinary ass. Asshole? Well, who gives a flyin' you-know-what about his snakeskin-boot-wearin' self. I didn't name him Asshole for nothing.