The Eyes Have It

Those who know me in real life would say that I am a realist. I tend to be pretty sceptical about things, a real I'll-believe-it-when-I-see-it kind of gal. One now infamous story about me illustrates this point. Some years ago I worked with a woman who claimed to be a Reiki master. Several of the other people in the office fell for believed in her powers and let her bullshit heal them. She would ask you to hold your hand at waist level, and then she would hold one of her hands above and the other just below your hand. Anyway she'd then close her eyes and go all shhh-I'm-concentrating and you would just stand there.

Several people claimed that while she wasn't actually touching them, they could feel intense warmth on their hands. Shortly thereafter they felt somehow lighter and freer. Ummm, yeah. I stood there and felt nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Nuttin'. When I said this (because, of course, I WOULD say it) she would claim that I was too "blocked" to reap the benefits of her skill.

Uh-huh. Sure. Yep. BLOCKED. That's it.

Since that day, I've often referred to Reiki (pronounced RAY-KEY) as....wait for it... Feiki (say it out loud. FAKE-E.)

I think you get my point. So how is it that I spent over an hour today listening to someone tell me all the things he could see...in my irises? Listened to him talking about eating for my blood type, talk about all the things my urine "says" about me, and so on. (You have no idea how much I wish I was kidding. Who knew that pee could talk?) This, my friends, would be because in recent months more than one person has told me about "naturopathic weight loss." Basically, we're talking a 'natural', holistic view to weight loss. One where it's not about calorie counting, it's about learning more about your body and it's functions and then making the right choices based on that.

Yes. Total bullshit.

I went along, though, because of late I've had a few (minor) issues which are annoying me. My skin, for example, is totally crap. Monster zits at age 32. Yup. Lovin' that. NOT. Exhaustion, various other skin irritations, restless sleeping, hair which can't decide if it's oily or dry or both, a libido which is on permanent holiday and so on. Small stuff but theoretically all things which (it is claimed) a naturopath can help with. So I figured, what the heck and I went along for my assessment.

Over an hour, 2 supplements, 1 pee specimen, one iris inspection and a big fat bill for $142 later, I left.

I still think it's a load of crap.

At this point, though, I FEEL so crap about myself and I'm so bloody tired, I'll give anything at all a go. The naturopath vacillated between being totally weird ("Type B bloody types are incapable of efficiently processing tomatoes") and totally reasonable ("At the end of the day I can give you advice, but nothing changes the simple fact that weight loss comes from energy in versus energy out.")

So, armed with my supplements and a list of foods which us Type B's can eat and those we should avoid, I'm embarking on a 14 day detox. He thought this was a good way to start weaning me off my current diet of what is currently 90% carbs, 5% dairy and 5% protein. So I'm not cutting anything out cold turkey, but trying to eat on the left side of the Type B chart. Difficult, considering the right side has .....bread. cereal. corn. rice. couscous. beef. chicken. Even green tea is on the no-go list. Oy, oy, oy.

God help me. Actually, blog land help me - because I'm going to try and post every day of this 14 day period, just so you guys can enjoy my bout of extreme bitchiness which is sure to come of this.

Then again, maybe it will...unblock me. Best to go find the number of the Feiki master, just in case.