Home Truths, Gym Style

Man on the treadmill next to me:

I get it. You're buff, you're hot, you're young, you can get the treadmill up to 18kmph and therefore, you are to be noticed. However, I feel you need to know two vital things. Firstly, no matter how cute and buff and whatever, running on a treadmill in 3/4 length jeans makes you look like a DORK. Seriously. You totally wreck whatever fast runner guy cool gym cred you had by running in those. They need to GO. If you're wondering why you're still single (given that you are hot, buff, etc etc)..I'd have to say it's the jeans.

Secondly, the gym requires that you bring a hand towel to mop up sweat and whatever other bodily fluids you may excrete. The towel is not, I repeat, NOT a fashion statement. PLEASE try to actually use it. It totally grosses me out to see your sweat flying off and landing on my machine. Really, it's hurl worthy. Would it be so difficult to wipe your Botox'ed over-tanned brow? I think not.

Fat Lady on the Elliptical trainer:

Here's the thing, fat lady. I'm fat, too. In fact I'd venture to say that I am fatter than you are. So I understand the difficulty in getting gym clothes which look okay, feel okay and also hide all those kilos. I feel your pain on this one. I do! We are sisters in (flabby) arms, we really are. However. When you wear leggings to the gym, you really should wear a complete pair. As in, a pair which does not have an ENORMOUS FREAKIN' HOLE between your legs. A hole so large that when you are elliptic-ing away, we can see the top part of your thigh bulging out where it is chafing against the other thigh. Ellipticals are higher than most other bits of equipment and your legs move farther apart. So you practically take my EYE out every time you go a step. I am begging you. Please, please go and buy a new pair. I'm so proud of you for sweating it out, for trying to shift that weight. In the meantime, though, there really is NO need to embarrass yourself or the rest of the fatties there by dressing like that. Have mercy!

Perky girl at the desk:

You're annoying. I forgive you, because clearly being annoying is part of your job. The weird ponytail bobble thing? Not only does it show ALL your roots, but it's slicked and pulled back so tight, it looks like you'll never blink again. Re-think it.

...and can someone explain why NO gym is ever temperature controlled? Every gym I've ever been a member of (lots) has millions of floor fans all over the place. They're not effective, they're a hazard (many a person I've seen tripping over the cords) and frankly, they're a waste of money. Why not put in proper air conditioning when you build these places?! What is that about?

The above not withstanding, I'm loving my gym time...especially getting to watch an hour of VH1. It not only makes me feel about 15, it also makes me glad that since everyone has earphones in, nobody can hear me singing along to MIKA singing "Big Girls...You are Beautiful!" (my new anthem.)