One of my worst but most entertaining habits is complaining. Mostly I complain about how other people do things - because, of course, MY way would be superior. Given half the chance I am always convinced that my way would be the better, faster, cuter way to get things done. Partially this is because I have a ridiculously high expectation of other people, but also because I have a ridiculously high expectation of myself. So OF COURSE other people will fall short, and the full-of-myself self would do a better job.
The great thing about this bad-but-amusing habit is that I have friends who do it too. Us overachievers tend to stick together. So I'll be bitching about work (or school, or DH, or whatever really) and the other person will agree with me, and then I'll sigh and say, "Someday, when we rule the world, it will all be better." Of course, in that case, I'm just being nice since I know *I* will be the ruler of the world, while whoever I am speaking to will just be coming along for the ride. But I digress. Thinking about my future dictatorship, I've started to come up with a few rules which I think we all need to abide by, for someday when I am in charge. Here are but a few:
- Carbohydrates (simple, complex, whatever) will all be negative calorie loaded. I will expend more energy eating them than is actually contained in them, but they will taste the same. NO! They will taste BETTER. With each bite, I will lose weight.
- Pieces of paper which are not immediately deemed important (by me, of course) that try to make it past the threshold of our home office will vanish in a colorful 'poof!' of smoke.... with a 'poof!' sound effect, which only I (of course) can turn off.
- The distance between Baja, Mexico and Melbourne, Australia will be much, much shorter but then much, much longer as I see fit ( I want to have weekends away at my parents swanky holiday house whenever I feel like it, but if my family drive me nuts I want to be able to get away.)
- I will always have enough money to buy the things I want to, when I want to, and pay my bills in full and on time. No more than that. I don't want a ton of cash. I just want enough to pay for what I want, give some away to other people, and that's it. So, say for example I see a really, really cool red silicon rolling pin which I want (Note to DH: This is a not-so-subtle hint. Our anniversary is coming.) . I'll take it to the counter, pull out my wallet, and whoosh, there's the dosh.
- The snooze button on my alarm clock will exist in a time warp, just for me. So no matter how many times I bash the living shit out of it, I'll still be on time to work when I (eventually) get out of bed.
- My back will be made out of a flexible titanium steel rod thingie, which means I'll never suffer back pain and I can carry heavy loads using the totally wrong posture and it won't matter. I'll be able to do a double lutz triple half-gainer with a twist...all while bending from the waist to pick up a really heavy, oddly shaped box and carry it across a very slippery floor. I will, of course, do this not only pain free but with a serious amount of grace and style.
- People named Debbie will be banished. For some reason I've never met a Deb, Debbie, or Deborah who I actually liked for longer than 5 minutes. I'm sorry, they'll just have to go.
- I'll posses that finger snapping ability to clean up clutter that Jane & Michael Banks exhibited in the movie "Mary Poppins." Better still, my kids will have that ability too.
- Ice cream will be declared a food group, existing somewhere near the bottom of the food pyramid. Okay, make that 'cold confections' so that Slurpees and popsicles get a look in.
- The word "HILLLL-AIR-EOUS" will be banned from my vocabulary, due to extreme overuse in this current, non-Queen-like life of mine. It's getting old.
- Other people's children will become tolerable - even the snot-nosed, tiny little shit of a terror who is currently annoying my daughter on a daily basis. I'll find him tolerable, but I won't be sad about the fact that he will grow up, but his penis won't.
* which will never happen, because that's my job. But play along anyway.